Things Every Husband should know about Perimenopause and Menopause

Have you noticed a change in your wife or partners moods?

Is she irritable and lacking energy?

Maybe she seems depressed, anxious or joyless?

Is she struggling or overwhelmed with tasks she normally copes with?

Is she having trouble sleeping?

Have you felt a shift in dynamics and can’t work out what’s going on?

It could be perimenopause or menopause colliding with other life stress.

If your wife is over 35, she could be experiencing symptoms of perimenopause. Every woman will go through this transition and knowing how to show up and connect with her during this time can help your relationship and the wellbeing of your family as a whole.

While her hormones are most likely contributing to how she is feeling, it can be a tricky time to navigate together because life stressors are also at play. You might be parenting younger children or teens, maybe you have ageing parents and stress related to their health and care needs, or financial and work pressures.  

My name is Ange, founder and registered counsellor at Peri to Post, a specialist  menopause and midlife counselling practice. From lived experience, I know the impact that perimenopause can have on a woman’s well being and the very real struggles in family dynamics that can cause stress and overwhelm.

I am here to help you with the key things you should know about perimenopause and menopause so you can support your wife and look after yourself too when the seas get rough.

1.  The Stages of Menopause

Understanding the stages of menopause is important because knowledge allows you to pick up on the sometimes subtle symptoms that creep up. Menopause is not a sudden event but rather a process that occurs over three stages, each with its own set of changes and challenges.

PERIMENOPAUSE

Perimenopause, or the "around menopause" phase, marks the beginning of the transition and lasts on average around 4 years but can go on for over 10 years (sorry). During these years, sex hormones such as estrogen and progesterone are declining and while progesterone lessens in a more stable way, estrogen can fluctuate unpredictably.

With this fluctuation comes possible sleep disturbances, mood changes, changes in libido and more. Perimenopause typically starts in a woman’s 40s but can begin as early as the mid-30s.

Your wife might experience other well known symptoms such as hot flushes (intense body heat) and night sweats,  but there are a raft of other possible symptoms, I have listed the ‘possibles’ below. 

 

MENOPAUSE

Menopause itself is defined as the point in time when a woman has not had a menstrual period for 12 consecutive months. The average age of menopause is around 51, but it can vary. This stage signifies the end of menstrual cycles and the reproductive years. Estrogen levels drop significantly (and other hormones too), and symptoms experienced during perimenopause may continue or intensify. So this stage is technically one day and then comes post menopause.

POST MENOPAUSE

Post menopause refers to the years following menopause. The symptoms of perimenopause, like hot flushes and mood swings, often begin to ease during this stage, but some women may continue to experience them. Long-term health considerations become important, as the decrease in estrogen can affect bone density, cardiovascular health and metabolism. A healthy lifestyle and regular medical check-ups will be key to supporting her well-being during this time.

2.    The Common Symptoms : What you need to know

About 20% of women have no symptoms, 60% experience mild to moderate symptoms and the remaining 20% have severe symptoms that interfere with daily life.

Symptoms can vary greatly from woman to woman, but common symptoms include:

Hot flushes and night sweats: These sudden waves of heat can cause discomfort and can disrupt sleep.

Mood swings and irritability: Hormonal fluctuations may contribute to feelings of anxiety, sadness or frustration.

Fatigue and sleep disturbances: Many women report trouble sleeping due to night sweats, which can leave them feeling exhausted.

Decreased libido and vaginal dryness: A reduction in estrogen can affect sexual health and desire.

Cognitive changes: Difficulty with memory, concentration and "brain fog" are common.

Other possible symptoms:

Depression

Loss of confidence

Panic disorder

Incontinence – stress incontinence or urgency

Joint pain or general aches and pains

Cyclical breast pain

Digestive changes

Bloating

New allergies

Brittle nails

Drier skin

Hair loss

Itching skin

Palpitations – fluttering heart beat

Weight gain around the tummy

Bloating

Headaches

2. How to Communicate with Her

Communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship but in perimenopause and menopause, you might find your relationship in new terrain, with a mountain in front of you and no idea how to climb it – I see you!  How you communicate might need to look different than before and will make a big difference during this time, let me explain. Your wife may be experiencing mood swings, irritability and emotional shifts, menopause rage is a thing. She might be having sudden outbursts, yelling at you, the kids, the dog.

 How you used to communicate to each other during times of conflict or anger before perimenopause might not cut it now. My number one tip for navigating meno-rage would be pausing before reacting, do your best to remain calm because the woman you love, she is feeling out of control and probably not liking herself very much in these moments. If you can be a steady and calm presence, remind yourself this is not her normal and offer her some reassurance like ‘what do you need from me right now?’, I promise you, it can make a difference.

Express your concerns to her when things have levelled out and the household has returned to homeostasis. You may be feeling many emotions as her husband such as hopelessness, sadness and loss. Talking to her about how you are feeling and letting her know you are in it together can help you both feel less lost and more connected.

Ask how she’s feeling: Simple, genuine questions like, “How are you doing today?” can open up meaningful conversations. Let her know you’re available to listen.

Be patient: If she becomes emotional, angry, or upset, it’s likely not about you (it might be though) but rather the hormonal shifts she’s undergoing. Remind yourself of this (often).

Avoid minimising her experience: “I can only imagine how challenging this must be for you.”. Comments such as this one can be validating.

3. Offer Physical Comfort and Care

Hot flushes, night sweats and physical discomfort can leave your wife feeling drained. Consider offering comfort through practical actions:

Provide comfort during hot flushes: Offer to adjust the thermostat or keep a fan nearby when she’s feeling overheated. A cold drink or an ice pack can provide relief.

Be understanding about changes in intimacy: Menopause can bring changes in libido and vaginal dryness, so be patient and open-minded about navigating your sexual relationship. Holding hands, cuddling and giving her space to express any concerns can build connection without pressure.

Help with sleep: If night sweats or insomnia are an issue, offer to help with sleep routines. Creating a peaceful, calming environment in the bedroom, such as keeping the room cool and quiet, can help her get a better night’s rest.

4. How to Support Her Emotional Well-being

Your wife may experience feelings of sadness, frustration or anxiety about the changes happening in her body. As her partner, it's important to be emotionally available and supportive:

Validate her emotions: Reassure her that it's okay to feel overwhelmed or unsure. Let her know that you see her struggles and support her no matter what.

Offer reassurance about her worth: Many women in menopause may struggle with self-esteem due to changes in their appearance or sexual health. Remind her that you love and cherish her, and that these changes don't diminish her beauty or value.

Encourage professional support if needed: Menopause can sometimes lead to mental health challenges like depression or anxiety. If you notice that your wife seems particularly down or overwhelmed for an extended period of time, gently suggest seeking support from a counsellor or a medical professional.  Going to the doctor with her can help, a team approach can reduce overwhelm and educate both of you about possible treatment options including MHT (Menopause Hormone therapy).

5. Support Healthy Lifestyle Changes

As the body undergoes hormonal shifts, women may face changes in weight, energy levels and overall health. Encourage and support your wife in adopting a healthier lifestyle by:

Joining her in exercise: Regular physical activity is one of the best ways to reduce hot flushes, improve mood and maintain overall health. Consider taking walks together, joining a fitness class or practicing yoga – find your thing together and do it as often as possible.

Helping with meal planning: Many women experience changes in metabolism during menopause. Support her by preparing healthy, balanced meals and being mindful of her dietary needs.

Encouraging relaxation: Stress management is essential, so encourage activities that reduce tension, like meditation, deep breathing exercises or spending quiet time together.

6. Be Flexible and Willing to Adapt

Perimenopause and menopause may bring unexpected changes in your wife’s energy levels, interests and daily routine. This can be challenging for both partners, especially if she used to be very active or involved in social activities. As the husband, it’s important to adapt to these changes with flexibility and understanding.

Support her when she needs rest: If your wife feels exhausted or needs to take time for herself, respect her need for downtime. Offer to take over household chores, cook dinner or run errands to lighten her load.

Don’t take it personally: If she’s not as interested in socialising or engaging in certain activities, understand that it’s likely due to physical or emotional shifts, not a reflection of her feelings toward you.

Create new routines: As life changes, so too might your routines. Try out new ways to connect, whether it’s trying new hobbies together, adjusting your plans to accommodate her needs or doing fun things as a family that you might not have tried before. More joy can help reduce stress for everyone in the family.

7.  Look After Yourself

Looking after your own well being is equally as important. You might find yourself overwhelmed and drained if you are your wife’s primary support person. Maintain your friendships and encourage her to maintain hers. If you don’t feel you are able to talk about your experiences with your friends, seeking counselling support is a great way for you to work through your concerns and have a supportive space for emotional release. Exercise and eat well to support your well being.

Below are some recommended resources to support your wife and help her navigate this transition. Knowledge is power, educating yourself can certainly help in making well informed health decisions and to reduce overwhelm.

Resources

Books to buy her if she doesn’t have them already:

·       The New Menopause  - Dr Mary Claire Haver

·       The Definitive Guide to the Perimenopause and Menopause – Dr Louise Newson

·       The M Word : How to Thrive in Menopause – Dr Ginni Mansberg

·       The XX Brain – Dr Lisa Mosconi

Apps

·       BALANCE by Dr Louise Newson – there is a free version and your wife can use this app to track her symptoms over time which is useful in advocating for her health when visiting a GP and opening the conversation about treatment options.

Podcasts

·       Dear Menopause – Sonya Lovell

·       The Dr Louise Newson Podcast – Dr Louise Newson

Websites + Organisations

·       The Australasian Menopause Society www.menopause.org.au

·       Healthy Hormones founded by Dr Ceri Cashell www.healthyhormones.au

·       Jean Hailes for Women www.jeanhailes.org.au

Specialist Women’s Health/Menopause GP’s in Australia

·       WellFemme – a telehealth menopause clinic offering online menopause consultations, treatment and information to Australian women www.wellfemme.com.au

·       Viv Health – online medical service specialising in menopause care www.vivhealth.com.au

Therapeutic Arts sessions for stress release and creative wellbeing support

·       Middle Mess Therapeutic Arts – dedicated to supporting midlife women online Australia wide www.middlemess.com.au